Wednesday, September 20, 2017

Randomly journaling again.

This is the part where I talk about why I'm journaling again, like what right do I have to type my thoughts? Fuck you, that's what. Insert whatever bullshit you want here and call it a manifesto or whatever.

The fact is, a woman woke up something in me. I've always been susceptible to women. Few of them have taken this kind of advantage. She did it by being her, and seeing me. Sneaky bitch.

Story time. *ahem.*

The first time I tried online dating (following my last marriage), it worked great by almost any objective standard.

I had been unemployed for two years, feeling worthless and unworthy of a relationship, when a friend pointed out to me that I should simply try anyways. The independent ladies in my age range don't care whether the guy is financially stable; that's his problem, not hers. She's got her own shit sorted out. All she wants from a man is the company of a man - nothing more, nothing less. Kiss, fuck, make good conversation. Things I can do. So I went in.

My first go-around with online dating, the first person who I met, was great.

Tip: almost everyone looks better in person than they do in pictures. Instant still images don't catch the way a smile forms or an eyebrow arches or the way a body moves.

The two of us had little in common, but she was laugh-out-loud funny for a snarky cat lady, and that was more than enough to win my heart.

She always claimed to be a "love 'em and leave 'em" gal. Predicted she'd dump me in the first month. So the fact that I managed to keep myself with for almost 2 years is a win in my opinion. It made for a good run. No regrets.

When she finally did dump me, I did freak out a for bit, mostly to avoid the chance of flipping a switch that might turn me into a Bruce-shaped hole cut through to a howling screaming void of pain. Not to be over-dramatic about it, but that's a thing.

Fortunately, the people who loved me (who were more than I knew) rallied around and made sure I was OK, and just knowing they existed made it OK>

Online dating, take 2.

She liked the same kind of nerd/geek tv shows and movies that I did. She was great at being affectionate.

Two months in, we had the "come feel my boobs for lumps, am I crazy?" conversation. Not the first time I've had it. I'm an incredibly nurturing and supportive boyfriend. I've been down this road before, but - actually, those are some weird lumps, you should get them checked out.

The mammogram was positive.

Then the biopsy was positive.

The next weekend she was spending with these old friends of hers she'd told me all about and how she couldn't wait to tell them about me.

The next weekend she blew me off. Too busy I guess.

The next weekend after that talked about making plans, then blew me off again.

Eventually I asked her if I was in or out. She chose out.

I can't blame her for that choice. Having an emotionally needy asshole like me sniffing around is just one more thing she should clear from her baggage. She needed to focus on her, to be selfish, if she was going to have a hope of beating it.

So that was the end of that.

Online dating, take 3.

This time, I'm not going to fall for the first girl I meet. Or at least I'll try not to. After the last two, I'm going to hold out, at least for a while. Why is the first girl always so brilliant? This is going to be tough. I'm not patient when it comes to love...

I'll keep ya posted.